Crushable |
- Gallery: VICE Recreates Its ‘Dos and Don’ts’ with Kids
- The 55-Second Preview of Kim Kardashian’s ‘Jam (Turn It Up)’ Music Video Might Give You an Epileptic Fit
- Bachelor Pad Superlatives: Time To Sleep Your Way To The Middle Everyone!
- Conspiracy Theory: Bravo Will Start Off Season 2 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with the Russell Armstrong Suicide Special
- Hot Shot: Alexander Skarsgard Cleaned Up for BlackBook
- Kristin Cavallari Wears a Tutu, Is Already Taking Her Dancing with the Stars Gig Really Seriously
- Textual Healing: How To Text With Your Ex
- Somebody Please Have Sex With Sinead O’Connor
- Confession: I’m a 30-Something Man Addicted to Teen Dramas
- Space Relations: How to Not Be Gross
| Gallery: VICE Recreates Its ‘Dos and Don’ts’ with Kids Posted: 30 Aug 2011 11:05 AM PDT For better or worse, VICE’s “Dos and Don’t” are essentially a cultural institution at this point. The street style photographs and accompanying wit-laden snap judgments are definitely the last word on what to wear if you want to get into VICE’s “Dos and Dont’s” column. VICE took their obsession with absurdity in fashion a step farther and put kids in those same street style looks. That move was most certainly a “Do.” Post from: Crushable  |
| Posted: 30 Aug 2011 10:59 AM PDT Remember in Fight Club how Tyler Durden splices frames from pornos into children’s movies? Kim Kardashian‘s drenched, ass-heavy music video for “Jam (Turn It Up)” is like the opposite of that: Someone might have sneaked some art into it, but with the video’s stuttering pace and fast cuts, we can’t see it. It’s less than a minute from the video, but it’s more than enough: You’ve got Kim, looking wetter than Courtney Stodden, crawling along in her underwear intercut with an unnecessary close-up of her licking her lips. (Only on the second viewing did I notice that her tongue is actually moving, which somehow makes it creepier.) It’s just so awful! Please, never let the whole thing get released. We’d rather sit through a 24-hour marathon of Kourtney and Kim Take New York. Related posts: Post from: Crushable  |
| Bachelor Pad Superlatives: Time To Sleep Your Way To The Middle Everyone! Posted: 30 Aug 2011 10:15 AM PDT
Weakest take down of anyone ever:
I think Jake is under some misheld belief that leaving Bachelor Pad with dignity will lead to yet another shot at being the Bachelor. God, I hope not.
Most underrated contestant: Best Blakeism:
In comedy, we call it gilding the lily. Yes, I think we get it Blake, you're a doctor. Well, actually, not really, you're dentist. Runner up:
Blake sounding like Lebron James after a win. Best Kisser: (Male) Best kisser: (Female)
She said this with out a hint of irony, considering that's how she got in this mess in the first place. Best Line (Male):
Runner Up:
Best Line (female):
Runner Up:
…take it from someone who's seen it first hand. Runner up:
After the litany of times Blake betrayed her she was counting on the old pinkie swear to keep her alive? Did he also cross his heart and hope to die? Most likely to make up a story about mold: Best one-upping of a story about mold:
Now she wants to open up a battered women's shelter, so I'm kind of hoping she wins, she seems like the only person here with a legit reason. Most blatant offer of a happy ending:
Best plug for collagen:
Least manly move: Biggest Frontrunner (Guys): Biggest Frontrunner (Girls): Scariest yogurt eater: Best use of an electric toothbrush to brainstorm:
From now on, every time a guy messes up with his girlfriend he best be carrying one of these handy dandy devices! Most insulting commentary on a previous relationship:
This was in reference to a daytime ski trip with Blake, even though she hates skiing. Wow, she has zero respect for Michael or their relationship. I'm starting to think she didn't think a year was a LONG TIME to wait before he proposed. Most irreplaceable: Most one-sided relationship: Unanswered questions: Melissa and William getting sent home surprised nobody. It was a little shocking that she didn't commit a homicide on her way out, though. And now that Jake is gone, Casey and Vienna are a boring afterthought on this show. All we have left is finding out if Blake can become the new Jake and if Erica can successfully sleep her way through this competition. See you next week.
Related posts: Post from: Crushable  |
| Posted: 30 Aug 2011 09:59 AM PDT
The only way for Bravo to salvage the situation is to immediately acknowledge the elephant in the room. The LA Times reports that Kyle and Kim Richards, Camille Grammer, Lisa Vanderpump, and Adrienne Maloof were told to just sit down and talk about what happened; the network didn’t give them specific instructions as to how to react. (That we doubt, but we believe the “unstructured” part.) The first episode of the new season (set to premiere on September 5) is titled “Group Therapy,” and I’m pretty sure that information was just added to Wikipedia in the last few days. (I couldn’t tell even when I logged in, but I know for a fact that the second two episodes, “Blame It on the Attitude” and “Rocky Mountain Highs and Lows,” were added as of yesterday.) The title perfectly fits the Times’ description of the special. It also makes sense that Taylor would be absent, as the network would give her a little more privacy before the footage from a few months ago is aired. It’s not clear if Bravo has entirely deleted that footage, or if it’ll be aired with the reminder that it represents the last few months and not now. Related posts: Post from: Crushable  |
| Hot Shot: Alexander Skarsgard Cleaned Up for BlackBook Posted: 30 Aug 2011 09:43 AM PDT Alexander Skarsgard landed the cover of BlackBook this month, and he’s looking mighty dapper in a tuxedo. The actor, who just wrapped a season of True Blood and will next appear in the Straw Dogs remake, discussed the violent roles he’s often tapped to play. People? We’re just like animals:
Frappuccino Sipping Savages? That’s a good band name. And now, here’s a photo of an Alex Skarsgard pillow from the BlackBook offices: Post from: Crushable  |
| Kristin Cavallari Wears a Tutu, Is Already Taking Her Dancing with the Stars Gig Really Seriously Posted: 30 Aug 2011 09:22 AM PDT
She’ll be competing against a strange bunch of celebrities: Recently-divorced David Arquette, George Clooney‘s ex-girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis, overshadowed Kardashian sibling Rob Kardashian, and Cher‘s son Chaz Bono. She’s sort of channeling Natalie Portman‘s Black Swan character here, with the vacant facial expression and a male hand reaching for her. No need to audition, Kristin — you already got the part! Related posts: Post from: Crushable  |
| Textual Healing: How To Text With Your Ex Posted: 30 Aug 2011 10:13 AM PDT
Lately, my friends and I have been talking a lot about texting (and other communication) with ex-boyfriends. It is my opinion that, when a relationship ends, it’s never really mutual. One party always wants it to work out in the end — whether that means now or later — and is holding out hope that you’ll be together again. That person is usually the one to make the first move and reach out post-breakup. And if that’s not you, you have a decision to make about how to respond. When conversing with an ex, you want to convey how great you are doing post-breakup. Even if you are wallowing and haven’t stopped envisioning your reunion, you want to give the perception that everything is fine, and having him or her back in your life would only enhance the awesomeness that is your life. This tactic works whether you’re the one wanting him back or vice versa. And whether you’re planning to reach out to him or expecting/hoping to hear from him, it’s better to plan for how you’ll handle the situation before you even get into it. Here are some things to think about: • If you hear from your ex, will you reply? — If you break-up was ugly or just plain painful, you may have deleted his number from your phone and called it a day. So what would happen if you get a missed call or text from an unknown number that seems familiar a few months or a year later? Decide early whether you’ll reply or ignore. • Stay casual – Texting is not really the place to get into your issues. If he brings it up, avoid getting into a fight. If you really want to discuss something, suggest a phone call or meeting instead. And if you reach out to him, start off the conversation light. If you haven’t spoke in a few days/weeks/months, a “We need to talk about why we broke up” text won’t entice him to get back on speaking terms with you. • Deflect anger – Whether he’s pissed that you posted a pic on Facebook of you with another guy or that you ignored his last 15 texts, you don’t want to exacerbate his anger or validate it. Keep ignoring, or reply, “You seem very upset. Let’s talk about this after you’ve had a chance to cool off.” • Be busy — He wants to see you this weekend? Sorry, you already have plans, how about a quick drink after work during the week? If your ex wants to talk (or get back together) send the message that he’s going to have to work around your schedule and fit into your life. • Avoid late night conversations — Yes, chances are if you hear from him (or get the nerve to text him) it will be on Saturday night, after a few cocktails and probably after 2 a.m. If you are the recipient of a late night text from your ex, just wait until the next morning to reply. Chances are, both of you will be thinking more clearly then. And if you’re contemplating texting him after a night out, just sleep on it. • Don’t pick a fight — If he’s your ex, you know how to push his buttons. No matter how angry you still may be, picking a fight now won’t help anything. If you’re mad, just ignore him or tell him to lose our number. • Remember, a text conversation does not a reunion make – Just because you text late at night doesn’t mean you’re getting back together. If he says, “I’m still not ready to give up seeing other girls,” believe him. Only once you’ve worked through everything that broke you up the first place can you truly work on getting back together. Have you ever gotten a text from an ex? How did you handle it? Do you have any advice that I forgot to add? Leave your experiences in the comments below and you might see it featured in an upcoming installment of Textual Healing. Related posts: Post from: Crushable  |
| Somebody Please Have Sex With Sinead O’Connor Posted: 30 Aug 2011 09:03 AM PDT When was the last time you thought of Sinead O’Connor? Was it the nineties? Because the Irish pop star who launched a thousand buzz clippers has grown up into quite the fine 44-year-old lady since then, and apparently, also a super duper horny one. In an article published last week in the Independent, the famed pope-hater talked about being “in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man. He must be no younger than 44.” In what reads like a very long and exacting personal ad, she extolled her virtues as a lover, which include: 1.) Considering humping a truck:
2.) Considering using other inappropriate masturbation/fornication objects:
I know she grew up in a Catholic country, but someone should tell her about body-safe dildos. Seems like she’s cruising for an avoidable injury. 3.) Knows Karen Finley, the performance artist who got in trouble for humping yams. Of course she does. 4.) Currently in the peak of her sexual prime:
Fun fact: Sinead O’Connor is actually a priest in a small Catholic splinter group. Priests in this religion are…different from the regular kind. Basically, her virtues are 1.) desire, and 2.) desperation. Also, duh, she’s Sinead O’Connor. Her requirements for a sex partner are pretty detailed for someone so desperate: must be her age or older, must not be named Brian or Nigel, must have a real job, must have body hair, must not be homeless, must have a dick, yada yada. I bet she’d be flexible on some of these things, though. Would you really try to have sex with a motor vehicle before you’d consider someone named Brian? That is a common name, Sinead O’Connor. I think you are being a little unreasonable. The screed continues over at her website, where she goes into even more detail about stuff like anal sex (“Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex … yes I ‘do anal’ and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if ‘doing anal’ wasn’t on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don’t like ‘the difficult brown’ … Don’t apply“), getting turned down by Adam Clayton of U2 (“the only doable one in the band“), and her love of stubble-sniffing (“I want the end of my nose red raw from sniffing smelly men’s stubbly faces. I want my whole face and neck sore from stubbly men sniffing me!“). She also revises her search to include not only Brians and Nigels (glad she saw reason there) but women, too. It cannot be said that Sinead O’Connor isn’t open to casting a wide net. Some people think this is her bipolar disorder talking, which, well, duh. Still, haven’t we all had thoughts somewhere in this ballpark once in a while, in our darker moments? Lonely for some lurvin’, but unwilling to lower our standards enough to go with the first taker, especially when that taker is a vegetable? I find this sentence particularly resonant:
Don’t we all, Sinead. Don’t we all. Related posts: Post from: Crushable  |
| Confession: I’m a 30-Something Man Addicted to Teen Dramas Posted: 30 Aug 2011 10:33 AM PDT
Most recovering addicts can recall their first high with perfect clarity. I'm no different. I stuck the sharp needle of Beverly Hills 90210 into my veins once a week for over a decade Every hackneyed plotline, every paper-thin character, every sugary-sweet plot resolution entered my bloodstream and made a comfortable home in my brain. 90210 was the gateway drug that led to Party of Five. Party of Five led to Buffy the Vampire Slayer and after Buffy I lost control. Now I watch these shows incessantly. The list is long and august and presented in no particular order: Angel, Felicity, One Tree Hill, Dawson's Creek, Roswell, Smallville, the new 90210, Gossip Girl, My So-Called Life, Veronica Mars, The OC, and Friday Night Lights. I've seen every episode of every season of each of these shows. In some cases I've watched entire series several times. I'm not sure a dependency counselor would take me seriously if I ever sought treatment, but this peculiar habit certainly has my attention. So what's a dignified man (in his early thirties) to do when he loves something so undignified? He embraces that which he loves and cherishes it all the more — and he also searches for meaning where none actually exists. As I watch these programs, patterns emerge. The same plotlines are used, the same conflicts are explored, and the same characters are employed. I'm not talking about Man vs. Nature or Man vs. Man here, either. It's almost as if a basic template was applied to each series and only character names and situations changed. The plot devices were almost incidental. To test my theory, I identified a few character archetypes that exist in each of these shows and then applied them an entirely new show of my own creation. They are: • The All-American Boy: The center of most storylines, The All-American boy is handsome, fit, and actually in his mid-twenties. He 's the boy every American guy wants to be and every American girl wants to date. This character is the moral center of his peer group, and that trait often dissolves into self-righteousness. When this character makes the rare mistake, he has someone else's best interests at heart, he's defending a woman's honor, or he commits a small act of rebellion because the pressure of being perfect is just too much to handle. Examples include Matt Saracen from Friday Night Lights, Clark Kent from Smallville, and Brandon Walsh from Beverly Hills 90210. Post from: Crushable  |
| Space Relations: How to Not Be Gross Posted: 30 Aug 2011 08:35 AM PDT
Kitchen Everyone knows that when the dishes pile up, someone's got to do them. But what about other stuff that goes on in the kitchen? I have a friend who went to check out an apartment that she thought sounded perfect based on its Craigslist description, but it turned out to have one major flaw. While it did have the cheapest rent, best location and seemingly awesome roommates, it had something else, too—a kitchen counter spattered with several-week-old mouse guts. When she inquired about the mouse guts, she was told that a trap on the counter had killed a mouse a few weeks prior, and whichever roommate had discovered the mouse immediately disposed of it. The only problem was, the nasty mess that remained on the counter kind of…stuck around, so to speak, and no one wanted to clean it up. My friend reported that even though the roommates themselves were really nice, the cleanliness factor ranked so low that she knew she couldn't live there. Tip #1: If you happen to be the unfortunate person who kills a bug or finds a dead mouse in a trap, then you have to clean it up yourself. All of it. Just because you're the unlucky person who had to kill three of the biggest roaches you've ever seen in your life with a heavy phone book doesn't mean you can just leave them sitting squashed on the floor for someone else to pick up. (Unless you're living with your significant other, at which point this might be common practice.) Another important rule of cleanliness in the kitchen is managing your own food in the refrigerator. Remember that time you bought a giant block of Jarlsberg cheese at Sam's Club on a whim about seven months ago? Well, that shit is old and no one else wants to clean out your old-ass food from the fridge. Don't make your roommates throw away your smelly leftovers and unused vegetables. Be courteous and go through the fridge every week, because it's not your roommate's job to decipher what's garbage and what's still edible. Related posts: Post from: Crushable  |
Unless you count the Blake-Michael mild feud over Holly as drama, the only thing keeping this show afloat this week was the possibility that Melissa might murder Blake on national television. ABC really has butchered this series, not sure if it's the casting or the format, but something is definitely missing. Does anyone else think it's weird that in a 2-hour show they give almost zero airtime to 90% of the contestants in the house? In any case, here is my week 4 recap, superlatives style.
Best mispronunciation of the word Strategist:
How ironic: Yesterday we commented that 
Even 
Text messaging is often the fastest way to communicate with friends and acquaintances, but it's not always the best one. Especially when it comes to texting with guys. Here at Crushable we aim to help you sift through all the subtext and emerge relatively unscathed – with a little help from our friend Amanda Ernst.
I'm a man who deeply values his dignity. I cling to it, actually. I won't dance, I don't sing in public, and I refuse to drink through straws. It's a cloak I wear; one that I imagine protects me from the crippling judgment of my community. In reality, dignity is just another word for conformity; it's a way for society to determine what is, and what isn't acceptable behavior. For a man my age (let's just say early thirties and leave it at that), dignified pursuits include resume building, home-ownership, procreation, and participating in fantasy sports leagues. Unfortunately I do none of these things. In fact, one of my most cherished pursuits would be considered decidedly undignified by society at large. I am a man (in his early thirties as previously stated) who's addicted to teen dramas.
There are plenty of problems one can have with his/her roommates, but through all of the drama, the late bill payments, and the refrigerator wars, one thing remains of utmost importance: Cleanliness. And I'm not talking "we should be able to eat off our floors" cleanliness or "whose turn is it to scrub under the burners on the stove?" cleanliness. I'm talking about the basic manners one should possess, regardless of who or how many people he or she lives with. And yet, despite this obvious necessity, there are a lot of people who utterly fail at cleanliness beyond showering regularly. So, this week's column is all about the things that no one actually says to their slightly (or more-than-slightly) gross roommate, but really, really wants to say.| You are subscribed to email updates from Crushable To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now. | Email delivery powered by Google |
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