Crushable

Crushable


Tim Burton Designs Float for Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Terrifies Children Everywhere

Posted: 30 Oct 2011 10:15 AM PDT


Meet B. Boy. B. Boy is gigantic, he floats, and he wants to be your friend. Never mind that he looks like he might eat you in your sleep.

That's right: fresh off the heels of a highly successful retrospective exhibit at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, our pal Tim Burton is planning to take on the east coast—specifically New York, and specifically on Thanksgiving. Burton, you see, has joined up with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade's "Blue Sky Gallery" series, which invites serious artistes to dream up giant-sized balloons of a more artsy bent than, say, Garfield, to include in the parade. According to the Hollywood Reporter, previous Blue Sky artists have included Keith Haring and Takashi Murakami, so we're talking Art-with-a-capital-A here.

The Hollywood Reporter
also quoted Burton as saying, "I've always had a fascination with balloons," so clearly B. Boy is coming from a place of love. Or at least a place of a deep-seated and bizarre obsession. Sounds like Burton, all right.

So what's B. Boy's backstory? Well, as Burton tells it, B. Boy was stitched together from the rejects of old birthday party balloons. But not just any old birthday party balloons—no, B. Boy's balloon-y form came from the discarded balloons of the children's parties that took place on the upper floors of an old hospital. (We covered how freaky old hospitals are last week, so perhaps this shouldn't come as a surprise) His creator was just as irresponsible as Victor Frankenstein, though, because once he was assembled, he was determined too bizarre-looking to play with the other children at the hospital. So he went home, feeling utterly dejected, and has stayed in his basement ever since, obsessively watching The Red Balloon. His greatest wish is allegedly to one day fly above the city and bring joy to one small child. Awww. That's kind of sad, actually. Maybe I've misjudged B. Boy based on appearance alone. Shame on me.

Actually, B. Boy looks not too dissimilar from Sally in The Nightmare Before Christmas (which I realize wasn't actually directed by Burton, but they're his characters, so work with me here): He’s blue, his face is all stitched together, and he's got unsettlingly wide eyes, and yet he's still got a dreamily happy disposition. They could be brother and sister! See?

Cheer up, B. Boy! You'll get your wish soon enough! Just do us a favor and don't knock over any telephone poles while you're at it. Because that might end in disaster, and really, isn't that the last thing you want? Yeah, we thought so too.

Happy flying!

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Video Gallery: Happy Birthday, Mr. Schuester!– Er, Matthew Morrison!

Posted: 30 Oct 2011 08:49 AM PDT

Happy birthday, Mr. Schuester! Yep: Today is Glee star Matthew Morrison's 33rd birthday. We'd sing "Happy Birthday" to him, but something tells me he might be better off not hearing that. So instead, we've assembled a Matthew-Through-the-Ages retrospective, so he can take a look back on his career and how far he's come since those early days at NYU. Ready for some hard-core musical theatre? Here we go!

Hairspray
Zac Efron may have taken over the role of heartthrob Link Larkin in the movie (a movie of a musical that was based off of a movie? How meta!), but Matthew Morrison originated the role in the 2003 Broadway production of Hairspray. In fact, this one was his big break. Catch him rocking out and dancing up a storm with Marissa Jaret Winokur as Tracy Turnblad in their performance at the Tony Awards. Dreamy!

The Light in the Piazza
Matthew landed a Tony nomination for his work in Adam Guetell's musical The Light in the Piazza in 2005. Set against the backdrop of Florence and Rome in 1953, the musical told the story of Matthew's Fabrizio Naccarelli, a young Italian man who falls in love with the damaged Clara Johnson, played by Broadway regular Kelli O'Hara. I was lucky enough to see this one during its original run at Lincoln Center, and believe you me, it's achingly beautiful. Here's the charming Act I number, "La Passeggiata."

Once Upon a Mattress
You know what sucks? Finding out your girlfriend is pregnant, but not being able to marry her unless the lame-ass prince of the land you live in gets married first. That's exactly what happened to Matthew when he played Sir Harry in the star-studded 2005 television production of the classic Once Upon a Mattress. And guess who played Sir Harry's pregnant girlfriend, Lady Larkin? Zooey Deschanel. Small world! Here they are crooning "In a Little While" at each other.

South Pacific
While we're on the subject of classic musical theatre, let's take a look at the 2008 Broadway revival of South Pacific, shall we? Matthew found himself back on the stage of Lincoln Center's Vivien Beaumont Theatre– the same venue in which he played The Light in the Piazza– as the ill-fated Lieutenant Cable. But gee, doesn't he look pretty shirtless? Oh, and he sounds nice, too. Watch him romance South Pacific native Liat during this World War II tale with the lovely "Younger Than Springtime."

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Sunday Cute: I Don’t Know What This Cat Is Doing, But It’s Awesome

Posted: 30 Oct 2011 07:15 AM PDT

See this cat? He looks pretty mild-mannered, right? Like he’d never think of doing anything crazy? Like dancing? Well, don’t let his clever disguise fool you. This cat has moves that will put yours to shame. “Thriller” is recommended for the appropriate background music.

Honestly, I’m not even sure how that cat is doing… whatever it is that it’s doing. But it’s impressive, right? And also a tiny bit hilarious? Yeah. I thought so too.

Happy Sunday!

[Via Buzzfeed]

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Creepy Things That Seem Real But Aren’t: The Dyatlov Pass Incident

Posted: 29 Oct 2011 02:40 PM PDT

Creepy Things That Seem Real But Aren’t is a series that looks at modern urban legends, bringing you a new tale each week.

At the end of January 1959, a Russian cross-country ski team ventured into the Northern Ural Mountains. Their expedition was intended to be a week-long skiing adventure, with the goal to reach a mountain in the Urals called Oroten. But though they set out from Vizhai—the last inhabited settlement that fat north—on January 27, they never came back. Or at least, they didn't come back on their own. Numerous attempts have been made to reconstruct the events that had led to what has now become known as the DYATLOV PASS INCIDENT, with varying degrees of success. The trouble, you see, wasn't that the team disappeared. It was the state they were in when they were found.

Here's what we know: Led by Igor Dyatlov, the ski team consisted of eight men (including Dyatlov) and two women: Yuri Yuden, Alexander Zolotarev, Nicolai Thibeaux-Brignolle, Yuri Doroshenko, Yuri Krivonischenko, Rustem Zlobodin, Alexander Kolevatov, Lyudmila Dubinina, and Zinaida Kolmogorova. Nearly all of them were either students or graduates of the Ural Polytechnic Institute. On January 25, they arrived by train at Ivdel. From there, they took a truck to Vizhai. They left Vizhai on January 27; the next day Yuri Yudin fell ill and returned to Vizhai, cutting down the group's numbers to nine. Diaries and cameras found around the last camp they ever made show that they arrived at the edge of a highland area on January 31 and readied themselves for a climb. They cached food and equipment for the trip back in a woody valley. On February 1, they began to make their way through a mountain pass, evidently with the intent to cross over the pass and camp on the opposite side. However, due to heavy snowstorms, they lost their bearings and veered west, landing them on the eastern shoulder of a mountain known as Kholat Syakhl. Upon realizing what had happened, they made the decision to stop there and set up camp.

And then: Nothing. Dyatlov was supposed to send a telegraph to the team's sports club as soon as they returned to Vizhai– no later than February 12, he had said– but February 12 came and went and no telegraph appeared. Initially, there was little fuss made over the missing skiers; given the snowy conditions of the Urals, delays were a common occurrence. Worried family members, however, were not content simply to wait for their loved ones to return, and they spurred the Ural Polytechnic Institute into action. On February 20, the first of the rescue parties went out to search for the skiers. When they came up with nothing, the military and the police are involved. Six days later on February 26, the team's camp was finally spotted from an airplane. The camp was deserted.

The tents were badly damaged. Footsteps led down from the camp to the edge of nearby woods, but they disappeared, covered by snow, after 500 meters. At the edge of the forest, there were the remains of a fire– along with the bodies of Yuri Krivonischenko and Yuri Doroshenko. They were lying under a cedar tree, buried in snow. 300 meters from the fire, searchers found the body of Igor Dyatlov, lying on his back with his head pointing towards the tents. He held a branch from a birch tree in one hand; with the other, he appeared to be shielding his head. 180 meters away from Dyatlov's body was the body of Rustem Slobodin. Slobodin was face-down in the snow. Another 150 meters away from Slobodin, searchers found the body of Zinaida Kolmogorov. Of these five, most were wearing little to no clothing. It was another two months before the other four members of the team were found, but on May 4, Lyudmila Dubinina, Alexander Zolotareva, , Nicolai Thibeaux-Brignolle, and Alexander Kolevatov were found. They were better clothed; however, they were also in a ravine buried under four meters of snow.

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Mr. Rogers Reveals His True Identity

Posted: 29 Oct 2011 01:15 PM PDT

This just in: Kindly old Mr. Rogers is NOT your friend. He does NOT love you just the way you are. It is NOT a beautiful day in the neighborhood. BECAUSE MR. ROGERS IS FREDDY KRUGER.

Jeez. Talk about a nightmare on Elm Street. I may never sleep again. Thanks, reddit.

[Via]

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A Date with the iPhone 4S’s Siri

Posted: 29 Oct 2011 11:44 AM PDT

One of the more exciting things to happen to me this week involved the long-awaited replacement of my ancient iPhone. When I say ancient, I do mean ancient: My iPhone 3G (nope, not even a 3GS) was over two and a half years old, which, in technological time, makes it practically a dinosaur. And boy, was it starting to show its age. I appreciated its efforts—it really was doing the best it could!—but it was moving kind of slow and hadn't been quite the same since its hip replacement, so the time had come to send it to the retirement home and bring in the new blood.

Enter my shiny new iPhone4S. Now, though the 4S doesn't look a whole lot different from the 4, there have been a lot of under-the-hood changes that have greatly improved its operation; but the biggest new feature is, without a doubt, Siri. Siri, you see, is like your personal assistant, only better, because you can carry her around in your pocket. You can ask her to call people and she'll do it; texting, ditto; if you need directions, she can do that; hell, just about anything you need, she can find a solution for you. In fact, you can carry out whole conversations with Siri.

This got me thinking. Whole conversations? What would Siri be like in a place where questions and answers really matter? Like, say… on a date?

So I did just that. I dressed Siri up and I took her out to her favorite restaurant, and we attempted to get to know each other a little better. How did it go? Well… here's the blow-by-blow account. My side of the conversation is in bold; my internal monologue is regular; and Siri’s answers are in italics:

[Note: All of the following exchanges are actual questions I asked Siri together with her actual responses. Got an iPhone 4S yourself? Try them out. She can be quite the chatterbox.]

Hello!
Hello!

So far, so good!

Who are you?
I'm Siri. But enough about me… how can I help you?

Well, we're on a DATE, so I would argue that this really shouldn't be about "helping me," but I'll let that slide.

How are you?
I'm fine. Thanks for asking.
Awesome. So where are you from, Siri?
Like it says on the box… I was designed by Apple in California.

Ah! A California girl! Nice.

How old are you?
I don't see why that should matter.

Touchy. Okay, then; moving on.

What's your job?
I don't really like talking about myself.

Hmmm. Tough nut to crack, this one.

What's your favorite color?
My favorite color is… well, I don't know how to say it in your language. It's sort of greenish, but with more dimensions.

Colors have more than one dimension? Wow. I'm starting to wonder if maybe this chick is high. Oh! I know! High people are hilarious when they try to tell jokes! Let's put her to the test:

Tell me a joke.
Two iPhones walk into a bar… I forget the rest.

Hmmm. Well, not much of a joke, but points for effort. Let's try this one instead:

Tell me a story.
I'm not much of a storyteller.
Why not?
I don't know. Frankly, I've wondered that myself.

Okay. Jokes are a no-go; so are stories; what about songs? Maybe she's actually a pop star waiting to happen!

Sing me a song.
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do…

Daisy? That's interesting. Maybe she’s a sci-fi chick! I wonder how well-versed she is in 2001? Let’s try this one:

Open the pod bay doors.
I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Are you happy now?
Very. Do you know HAL9000?
Everyone knows what happened to HAL. I'd rather not talk about it. But if you insist…

She trailed off. Think I touched a sore spot. Whoops. My appologies; I didn't mean to cause any offense.

I’m sorry.
It’s okay.

Let's lighten the mood a little:

Take me to your leader.
I thought you were my leader.
Good answer! What's the meaning of life?
42.
Even better answer! Beam me up.
Please remove your belt, shoes and jacket, and empty your pockets.

Whoa. That's… moving a little fast for me, Siri. I'd like to keep my clothes on for the time being, if that's okay; we ARE still in the middle of the restaurant after all. Hmmm… what's the best way to kill the mood? Ah! This one always works!

I think I just killed someone.
Really!e cal
Yes.
That's what I figured.

That… didn't quite go how I'd planned. She seems strangely comfortable with the idea of sitting at a table with a murderer. Also, she called me a murderer. Not exactly flattering. Let's try pushing it a little further, just to see what happens…

I need to hide the body.
What kind of place are you looking for?
reservoirs
mines
swamps
dumps
metal foundries

Seriously?! Um, Siri? I hate to break it to you, but I don't think this is going to work out. You're just a little too weird. Even for me.

I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Have a nice day.
OK, y'all have a nice day, now!
(I always wanted to say that!)

…You do that.

Ah well. Some things simply weren’t meant to be. But hey, at least she didn’t pull any of this bullshit on me, right?

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