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The Daily WTF: PBR Salami, Y’all

Posted: 26 Sep 2011 11:59 AM PDT

There are two kinds of salami in this world. There’s mainstream salami and there’s underground salami. Which kind of salami do you have? Probably mainstream salami, huh? I bet you don’t have cool, underground PBR salami. Poseur.

This salami is produced by Usinger’s, a company based in Milwakee. Which is not a very hip and underground place at all.

(via)

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Hazing Week: 8 Male Actors Who Drastically Lost Weight For A Movie Role

Posted: 26 Sep 2011 11:39 AM PDT

Later on during Hazing Week, we’ll be talking about the most hardcore on-set training that actors have undergone. But today we’re focusing on how specific stars have risen to the challenge of certain roles. You always hear about women like Renee Zellweger packing on weight to play Bridget Jones, but how about the men who drop to alarmingly low weights for their Oscar bait?

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January Jones’ Baby’s Birth Certificate Does Not List A Father

Posted: 26 Sep 2011 11:01 AM PDT

The heartless vultures over at TMZ have obtained a copy of January Jones‘ baby’s birth certificate from the L.A. County Department of Public Health, and guess what? It doesn’t list a father.

Just look at it, being all witholding and stuff:

This has caused many people to speculate on why she’s being so secretive about her baby daddy. Clearly, the most common reasoning goes, the father must be a married man, because January Jones is a beautiful ice sculpture incapable of human empathy who goes around seducing other women’s husbands just for fun. (And without protection!) Clearly, she’s withholding the father’s name to keep people from disliking her even more intensely than they already do.

Is this assumption unfair? Probably! A few dumb-sounding interview quotes aside, I hold that most people’s dislike of January Jones stems from a conflation of her with her Mad Men character, who sucks. She does such a good job play acting at being terrible mother Betty Draper that people suspect she’s just playing herself. In fact, I still suspect it a little bit, even as I write this blog post about what a silly thing that is to do. She’s that good.

Then there’s the possibility that the father is just someone really embarrassing. Could it be the result of some drunken hate-sex with Zach Galifinakis? Jeremy Piven? Pete Campbell??? Unhappily for us, but happily for January, the world will never know.

Then again, the father could just be someone she doesn’t want and/or who doesn’t want to be in the kid’s life, and keeping his identity a total secret is the best way to make sure her kid’s life doesn’t get effed up. But that would hardly be good tabloid fodder, now would it?

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Video: Tommy Wiseau’s Web Series The Tommy Wi-Show Is Awful (And Not In The Fun Way)

Posted: 26 Sep 2011 10:24 AM PDT

Remember when we told you that The Room director Tommy Wiseau is doing a web series where aliens kidnap him and he has to play video games? Yeah, it’s kind of a letdown. Despite coming up with incredibly illogical out-of-context quotes during interviews, here Tommy is just not on his game. Hell, the only thing close to a Room joke was his character T.W. whining “This is not my house!” over and over.

Machinima could really go for camp here, but instead we’re just watching a cult star be mildly frustrated by Mortal Kombat. Where’s the drama, the intrigue? Tommy manages to lose, and he still gets sent home safely. When the news first broke, people were comparing this to Mystery Science Theater 3000 in terms of concept. But the thing is, we never knew if that show’s characters would ever make it back to Earth!

As with most things Tommy Wiseau, this makes very little sense—but not in the fun, delightfully bad way. So in lieu of more criticism, here are several questions I came up with while watching the episode:

Did Tommy get plastic surgery?

Who put muscle relaxants in his soda? We’re not sure it’s possible, but he’s even more laconic than usual.

What will it take to make Tommy get as furious as he does at Mark and Lisa?

What’s with the surfer-dude necklace and steampunk vest? We only ever want to see Tommy in a black T-shirt, navy blazer, and cargo pants.

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An Imagining Of The 30 Phone Calls A Day Spencer Pratt Makes To His Agent

Posted: 26 Sep 2011 10:12 AM PDT

Apparently Spencer Pratt is totally broke. Which is a thing that happens when you’ve never actually had a career or any viable talent. Evidently, Spencer calls his agency 30 times a day and they never call him back — which is actually kind of sad. Aw, man. Here’s my imagining of the messages Spencer leaves for his agent, whom I’ve decided to call “Ian” because a kid I went to college with who’s a WME agent now is named that.

1. "Yo, Ian, it's your main man Spence. The Spencenator. Six Spence None the Richer. We need to talk business. Gotta make those dollars, yo. Call me back."

2. "Ian, brother, where you at? Hit me back on my cell, homes."

3. "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Call me back."

4. "Um, that last message was Spencer Pratt calling for Ian, if that was unclear."

5. "Spencer Pratt is a client of Ian's, if that was unclear."

6. "Hi, it's Spencer Pratt. I left some messages earlier and I haven't heard back, so I'm just making sure they went through. Okay, thanks."

7. "Ian. Spencer. Let's talk."

8. “You make me money, I make you money. Kapeesh?”

9. “Hello, this is President Barack Obama calling. Just kidding, it’s Spencer Pratt! Call me back.”

10. "Hey, can I get one pepperoni pizza for delivery? Just kidding, I can't afford delivery. Call me back?"

11. “Come on, man, this isn’t funny. You’re being a little bitch. Are you around?”

12. “This is Spencer Pratt calling for Ian. Again. Thanks.”

13. “I fucked your mom! Call me back.”

14. "Have you seen Heidi? She's been missing all day and I'm calling everyone I know."

15. "Heidi's still missing and I'm bored. Wanna come over and play Grand Theft Auto?"

16. "Ummmmm. Call me back. Kay."

17. "Found Heidi! She was sitting on the back porch in the sun and she started to melt and got stuck out there for a while. Thanks for your help!"

18. "Hi, Ian, it's Spencer. Is everything okay?

19. "Ian, are you mad at me?"

20. (Weeping)

21. "Hi, Ian, it's Spencer. What the fuck, man? What the fuck, you're supposed to be my agent. You're supposed to be working for me. This is bullshit. I can have your head on a platter in a second, man. Don't think I won't do it. I'm calling my dad right now."

22. "Soo, my dad thinks I may have overreacted and he wants me to apologize. Hey man, you need any dental work? It's on him, okay?"

23. "I'm sorry, by the way."

24. "Ian! Hi. It's Spencer, Spencer Pratt. How you doing, man? Give me a call back when you get a chance, kay?"

25. "Ian! Ian! Ian! Ian!"

26. "If I leaaaaave here tomorrow, would you still remember me? For I must be traveling on now, cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see. But, if I stayed here with you, girl, things just couldn’t be the same.”

27. "Cause I'm freeeeeee as a biiiiird. And this bird, you cannot change."

28. "Call. Me. Back. Call me back. Call me………”

29. "Back."

30. "You man, I'm fuuucked up. I'm over at Brody's house and there's Playboy models here and shit, man. Also, I think I might be depressed. Come on out!"

31. "Good morning. This is Ian's client Spencer Pratt calling. I'd love to chat for a few minutes about some business ideas when he has a chance. Look forward to hearing from you!"

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Hazing Week Video Gallery: The Best Hazing Scenes From TV

Posted: 26 Sep 2011 09:10 AM PDT

To kick off Crushable’s Hazing Week, we’ve compiled some of our favorite scenes from TV that feature the ritual. The ferocity of what these characters are forced to do is definitely not uniform. Some of them have to rung a bell and recite a pledge (sounds like a fun sorority!), and others have to melt blocks of ice with their naked bodies.

Undeclared:

Both Steven and Lizzie decided to rush on Undeclared, and hazing rituals ensued. This episode also features the character of Tina who plays the song "How Bizarre" by OMC on repeat, which is one of the best storylines in TV history.

90210:

Last week's episode of 90210 was all about hazing. Among other things, Naomi rushed a sorority and learned that girls are totally mean, you guys.

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Audio: Betty White Now A Rapping Granny IRL

Posted: 26 Sep 2011 08:58 AM PDT

You know how Betty White always plays the adorable rapping granny in movies, and people react with amusement because OMG, little old ladies are not supposed to get down with hip hop, talk about sex, swear, etc.? Well, now she’s brought that winning formula off screen in the form of an actual recorded rap song called (what else?) “I’m Still Hot,” which you can hear above. (It’s technically a remix, but much of America has not heard the original.)

It seems like her appearance is meant to attract people to the track’s main “rapper,” the British popster Luciana, but I think it might have the opposite effect. Hearing Betty White’s bubbly old lady voice alongside Luciana’s sincere attempts at being bad ass and sexy does nothing but highlight the absurdity of both, which bounces off each rapper and onto the other until you have infinite visions of ridiculousness. Like when you point two really silly mirrors at each other. You can’t do a joke track halfway.

Which is all to say that I’m into it, and will most definitely be bumping this next time I’m getting ready to go to the clurrrrb.

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Shocker: The One For The Money Trailer Is Actually Funny

Posted: 26 Sep 2011 08:01 AM PDT

Look, I was not thrilled by the first poster for Katherine Heigl‘s new comedy One for the Money, based on Janet Evanovich‘s mystery series. And while I’m still not convinced that Katherine is the best choice to play Stephanie Plum, I have to admit that I overreacted. Because the first trailer came out over the weekend, and it looks pretty great.

What redeems One for the Money is that it seems to be following the first book to a tee: Stephanie’s evolution from lingerie girl to competent bounty hunter; her history with Joe Morelli and partnership with Ranger; the larger conspiracy that might mean Morelli is innocent; and of course her mouthy, inappropriate family.

And the most important part, Katherine playing a Jersey girl? I’m no expert, but she seems to do it pretty well. The accent is a bit overemphasized and of course they had to give her huge hair, but somehow it all comes together. I never thought I’d say this, but Katherine does toughness well—and that’s the most vital part of Steph’s character.

You know who else looks like she’ll be fantastic in this? Sherri Shepherd as Lula, the hooker-turned-Steph’s-sidekick. Sure, the character is a horrible stereotype, but she also had some of the best lines in the books.

So all in all, I’m pretty psyched to see the movie; it comes out January 27, 2012.

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Ladies Be Filmin’: Pan Am

Posted: 26 Sep 2011 08:02 AM PDT

The fall TV season is underway and, despite the ever-lower numbers of women in the writers' rooms, it's being hailed as the year of the women: 17 out of the 25 new scripted shows on the Big Five networks are female-centered and many were created by women. In this series, comedian Leila Cohan-Miccio watches the new female-centered shows and evaluates how realistic their portrayals of women actually are. Today, Pan Am.

Obvious comparisons first: as far as 60s-set shows go, Pan Am may not be as subtle and smart as Mad Men, but it’s nowhere near the clunker level of The Playboy Club. Though the pilot offered more backstory than plot, the characters are engaging and there’s some real promise here.

Pan Am follows a flight crew on the eponymous airline: stewardesses (they wouldn’t become flight attendants for twenty years) bohemian Maggie (Christina Ricci), spy (!) Kate (Kelli Garner), runaway bride Laura (Margot Robbie), and sexually adventurous Colette (Karine Vanesse), sunny captain Dean (Mike Vogel), and crew Ted (Michael Mosley), and Sanjeev (Kal Parekh), as they fly a new plane’s maiden voyage from New York to London.

Pan Am spends a lot of time peddling the glamour of flying in the 1960s, and oh god, is it effective. When a stewardess doesn’t show up for the flight, the airline sends a helicopter to go get Maggie so the plane leaves on time, something that’s pretty damn hard to imagine in an era where I’ve had flights delayed several hours because of vague “gate issues.” The plane is equipped with little table hang-out areas that are set with real vases with fresh flowers! Newlyweds get a bottle of champagne to take with them!

Both Pan Am and Playboy Club put forth the thesis that jobs that seem sexist now were actually really empowering for women in the 1960s. Pan Am is much more convincing about it for two reasons. First, the show is honest about the parts that were terrible: weigh-ins, mandatory girdles, sexist crew members. Second, you can actually see the benefits, beyond just money, the women were receiving. As Maggie puts it, “I get to see the world.” Flying schedules were more leisurely, leaving time to explore the cities Pan Am flew to, and it was a legitimately adventurous job. Unlike Playboy Club, women are the center of Pan Am, and they get more to do than looking alternatingly nervous and carefree. Pan Am also gets points for the four central women genuinely liking each other and not resorting to a gross ladies-are-always-competing-with-each-other attitude. Though Maggie, Kate, Laura, and Colette may not be fully realized characters yet, Pan Am‘s pilot was strong enough that I’ll tune in again to watch them develop.

(Photo: Google images)

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We Guessed Who Plays Taylor Lautner’s Dad In Abduction!

Posted: 26 Sep 2011 08:49 AM PDT

It seems like Abduction is trying to make a big mystery out of who plays Martin Price, Nathan’s (Taylor Lautner) biological father who’s also a super spy. During his phone call with Nathan, we see only his nose and mouth, and briefly his face from a distance.

But that’s where the filmmakers made a big mistake (or embedded the means to figure out this Easter egg): They chose an actor with an extremely distinctive scar on his upper lip. I’m talking, of course, about Dermot Mulroney.

Dermot’s one of those actors where you know him or you don’t. If you subscribe to amazing wedding chick flicks, then you’ll immediately recognize him from My Best Friend’s Wedding (as the best friend) and The Wedding Date (as a gigolo). If action movies are more your standard fare, then you might’ve left the theater unable to place him.

Usually in a role like this, the actor at least gets an “uncredited” credit on IMDb, but Dermot’s profile doesn’t even have that. Our theory is that Lionsgate is gunning for this to be a franchise — the ending really sets it up as one — and are planning to reveal Martin’s actual face later in the series. But in that case, they should’ve chosen a more anonymous-looking guy.

Interestingly, as recently as early August, The Hollywood Reporter mentioned that Dermot was in Abduction, but as “a villain to Taylor Lautner’s hero.” Could this have been misdirection on the studio’s part?

So far, Picktainment and a random Yahoo! Answers thread are the only ones to have picked up on Martin’s identity. We feel like black ops agents… just like his character!

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